the first party.

Ok, I'm seriously backtracking here, but here's some pictures from the birthday party.

I know she won't remember it, but obviously we had to make a big deal.

I think it's more of a "hallelujah we survived the first year!" party.

Anyway, as fun as it was, thank goodness they only come once a year. 

Because it. was. exhausting.

Pre-party presents time!

O.M.G. Papa are you seeing this present?!

Yup, she liked it.

Our well loved girl.

Pat-a-cake...

I tried hard not to hyperventilate while she "smashed" the cake.

SPOILED.

Yup.  Tissue paper decorations were a great idea.

Thank you to everyone who came, and couldn't make it, for the well wishes and the gifts!
And thank you to my peeps who helped set up, and clean up... cause if you there, you know just how relaxed and on top of everything I was.

on your birthday.

The morning of your birthday, we played in bed like any other morning.

(The photos didn't do your fabulous bedhead justice.)

It's getting harder and harder to take pictures nowadays because you're very quick/squirmy/mischievous.

(The I'm-getting-upset-because-you-won't-let-me-touch-the-camera face.)

Papa came home early and we went out to get cupcakes and presents.

 (Gimme that.)

 (Thinking about it...)

(Savouring it.  Really savouring it.)

All you had to do was point and smile at the cat and papa was sold. 

Here we are, laughing at how easily papa can be manipulated convinced.

But really. Thank you papa.

Pretty sure that face will let you get away with most things, but let try not to use it for evil.

M'kay?

(Monkey in the concrete jungle.)

When we got home, there was a package waiting for you from a special friend.

(Thank you Nina!)

So that was your very first birthday. 

Hope it was a good one.

o.n.e.

Yesterday she turned one.

Holy ****

To all of the new mums and mums-to-be, 

when people tell you "try to enjoy it because it all goes by so fast"

(cause they do - so many times)

and you're thinking "ya, ok. I'll try to enjoy being up to my armpits in laundry and dirty diapers,

with the endless feedings, all while having little to no sleep and raging hormones"

I really hope that you still try, and you do (enjoy it)

because it really truly was the fastest 365 days I have ever experienced.

For about a week leading up to her birthday, I felt panicky.

"did I play with her enough?"

"did we read enough books?"

"did I do too much of ____"

"did I not do enough of ____"

"should I have done more ____"

and on

and on

.

.

.

But then I came back from crazy town,

because I can honestly say, with confidence,

that I have never worked so hard at anything ever in my life,

and I did everything to the best of my current capabilities and could not have done any more.

I think I can be pretty proud of that.

So happy birthday sweet girl.

Thank you for being such a happy, healthy, funny, amazing baby.

I don't know what I could have done in my life to deserve such a gift.

Thank you for making me smile and laugh more than ever before, 

and teaching me to be a better person and mama every day.

Mama and papa love you more than anything, and we'll try our best to keep up with you,

so please try not to grow up too fast.

Man, she was so small... and if you know her now... well, you know.

(obviously we thought she was the cutest thing ever in life, 

but in retrospect she looked like a wrinkly old man/alien - a cute one though)

hi. it's been a while. again.

Man, I step away from this thing and a month just flies by.

Too many things going on everyday that by the end of the day, all I want to do is lie down.

Too many things like,

getting mastitis.

(YES at 11 months.  What?! I know.  I said the same thing)

It just came at me all of the sudden.  Fever, chills, nausea, body pain, all of it.  

I also experienced taking care of Bean by myself while Shaun was away.

It was only for four days, although it didn't feel quite as short at the time.

We survived just fine, but those single parents who manage day in/day out...

they are some kind of super humans.

We're also in the midst of making some other big changes... but that's for another day.

In the meantime, our girl continues to grow at lightning speed.

Every week it's something new.

Like one week, she was all about this.

And then another week, it was this.

Blink, and I'm sure to miss something.

I can barely keep up with the pictures.

Now for the past three days, it's this.

The girl who showed no interest in standing is suddenly standing.
Practically cruising.
Oh. Em. Geeeeee.
Lightning speed I tell ya.
But she's so wobbly.  Giving me a heart attack.
Don't tell papa that she almost fell on her head today.
(But I caught her.  So it's fine.)

Oh ya, and last time this year, I was extremely swollen, very uncomfortable,
and confined to a hospital bed.
We were freaking out a tiny bit, seeing as how were were told that after one more day,
at exactly 37 weeks, I would be induced.
Ya.  It's been a year.  Almost.
I can't even handle it.

inside outside.

I haven't been here in a while, but it's been a

"omg-just-when-I thought-it-couldn't-get-busier/more exhausting-life-proves-me-wrong"

kind of few weeks.
Somewhere amongst the blur I had a milestone birthday, but that feels like a long time ago already.
Exhaustion has aged me 5 more years since then.

And just when I thought it's peaked, Bean was unable to sleep last night.

I stopped counting... or lost consciousness after the fourth time I got out of bed.

Some time around 4am (or maybe it was 5...or 6...) I invited myself to a 2 minute pity party and silently cried while trying to rock her back to sleep.

Today, she's the fussiest/clingiest she's ever been and she refused to nap.

Until now.

Less than 2 hours before bed time...
I think she's teething. Or growth spurting.
Maybe both.

But I'm not here today to bitch (even though I totally just did)

I wanted to make note that my girl is 38 weeks old today.

Which means that she's been on the "outside" for a week longer than she's been on the "inside".

"it's already been 38 weeks?"

"it's ONLY been 38 weeks?"

"holy crap, pregnancy is long. (and mine was 3 weeks short!)"

"I still can't believe I grew a(this) human being."

My amazing little human bean being.

just some monkeys.

Just because.

And the inevitable...

Monkey cannibalism.

A fairly accurate depiction of my feeling toward Mondays.